Stephen Eh's Dead Weight

Stephen Eh takes a look at all of the dead weight in the EHCC by examining keepers that suck and their owners are still holding out hope for some magic.  So take Stephen Eh's advice and drop these fools before they cost you in the playoffs or continue to keep you out of the dance.

I gotta tell you, there are some bad players out there in the EHCC and all of you owners are suckas for sticking with some of these bums.  Let Stephen Eh walk you through some of these terrible, I mean TERRIBLE players that were kept last offseason and are still on a roster.  Let’s take a look at some dead weight that have kept teams out of the playoffs or will contribute to their team’s playoff exits. Only keepers are subject to the ridicule of the almighty Stephen Eh.

The East

San Juan – Man, where to begin.  San Juan was the inspiration for this article.  These fools kept has-been Jurickson Profar on their roster for half the year before cutting bait, but that’s not even the worst thing they’ve done.  Don’t even get me started about trading Rafael Devers, but let’s focus on my man Jose Bautista.  This dude is straight ass cheeks.  He somehow has 20 homeruns but those aren’t enough to carry his .203 batting average.  It’s time for San Juan to cut Bautista and watch him suck for someone else. 

Weymouth – When I went through Weymouth’s roster, I really didn’t think there was too much dead weight, but then when I looked closer, it hit me right in the face.  Ryan Braun has only 13 HR and 41 RBI this season.  His demise was expected by ownership in Weymouth as they have been trying to trade his ass every season, but he’s officially untradeable.  Braun could get hot in the playoffs, but Weymouth would be wise to keep low expectations.

Las Vegas – Ian Kinsler was rejuvenated last season but this season is more like it for the 35 year old.  Only hitting 14 HR,  39 RBI, and a .239 batting average, Kinsler is trash.  LV better get rid of this bum before he starts affecting some other players on the team.

Bridgewater – Greg Bird has been hurt most of the year, but why hold on to him? That .150 batting average must have been really tempting for the Weasels.  Bridgewater’s love affair for Yankee players disgusts me.  Makes me wanna hurl.

Rakeville – Wherever Rakeville is, it must be pretty close to San Juan, because both of these teams like to hang on to their aging superstars.  On paper Matt Wieters is Rakeville’s worst keeper but man oh man, how can we ignore the fact that Miguel Cabrera and Felix Hernandez are on the roster of a rebuilding club?!?! Ownership said they want them to retire in Rakeville, what the f*ck does that mean? Who is running the show? Management doesn’t need to worry about trading them anymore, because they’re not gonna get anything worth it for these bums. 

SFV – Oh man, for those of you that know Stephen Eh Smith, you know that I am a very respectable man and I don’t want to offend anyone.  But I can’t keep my mouth shut on this one.  The only dead weight on SFV is the owner and I’mma leave it at that.

Da West

Tijuana – Wanna know why Tijuana is actually good this year? They only have 11 keepers still o their team.  Want to make a good year even better? Drop that bum-ass Russell Martin, you can find 12 HR, 27 RBI, and a .233 AVG somewhere else.

Quebec City – QC keeping this bum Gregory Polanco on their team.  Those 10 HR will come in handy during the playoffs.  For a team that has gone all-in this season, it’s anyone’s guess why they kept this garbage can on their roster.  Waste of a roster spot.

Santo Domingo – Somebody please get the owner of SD some intervention.  Nobody, I mean nobody hoards players like SD.  Look at his stash of minor leaguers.  I’ll give you a tip, maybe more that jar of crap CarGo and clear up a roster spot for someone who can actually contribute to your team.  Playoff contender? There shouldn’t be room for 8 bombs and 43 RBI on your team. Coors Field, blah blah blah, get outta here!

Tokyo – Токио - лучшая команда в EHCC. Каждый из их игроков является лучшим.

Dublin – I don’t even know what to say about Dublin, their fall from grace has been truly disturbing and makes me down-right sad.  They did nothing to try to improve their team and have the audacity to keep bum Matt Moore on their team.  A 5.49 ERA and 1.52 WHIP in 154 innings means only one thing – TRASH!

Rio – I gotta give Rio credit, they blew up their team, traded away a lot of trash (another team’s treasure?), and got some of the best prospects in the game.  It’s too bad they couldn’t find any sucker to take Steven Matz and his 6.08 ERA and 1.53 WHIP off their hands.  Sure he’s been injured, but he plays for the Mets, he’s either gonna suck or be injured.