Murder in Tijuana!

by Skip Paymeless, EHSPN News

A violent coup covered up in the dark of night? The Tokyo robots making their way south of the border? Or something even more sinister (or bland)? What’s really going on in Tijuana?

Last year at this time, the Tijuana Hispanics were reeling, having lost 7 of their last 10 match-ups, most of them badly, en route to an 8^th place finish. In 2015, it was more of the same, as they sputtered their way to a 10^th place finish. In Tijuana, losing had become a tradition unlike any other, as GM Peter Kantor spun his wheels making terrible trades, desperately trying to innovate his team back to it’s former (relative) glory. Recently, it had been all for not. But something very strange happened this last off-season – Kantor went missing. Calls and messages to the Tijuana front office went unreturned. Trade offers died on the vine. Draft picks were phoned in via courier. No one has physically seen Kantor in six months – rumors of his untimely death have begun swirling in earnest on EHCC messageboards and in league circles. And yet, despite all of this, the Hispanics organization has seemingly never been more alive.

So what happened? It’s hard to say, really. On paper, Tijuana looks about the same as ever, a bullpen filled to the brim with mediocre closers, an offense filled with overperforming cast-offs, and a starting rotation held together by paper clips, duct tape, and bubblegum. And yet, the results could not be more different. The Hispanics find themselves in sole possession of first place in the Western Division, clinging to a 1^st Round Bye (in the actual playoffs, not the consolation bracket that they’ve become accustomed to) and recently defeating Eastern Division juggernaut Weymouth (at the time, their first loss of the year). And yet, through it all, Kantor has been eerily silent. Moves are still being made, trash is still being talked, but none of it is clearly being driven by Kantor, who has ignored all direct outreach from league members and journalists alike. 

EHCC league members are spooked. It all feels uncannily similar to the recent changes in Tokyo, where former GM Enkidu Ishtar moved to China, only to be replaced quietly and efficiently (some might say, ruthlessly), by new GM Amazon Alexa, who has made it quite clear that the robots are now in charge in the far East, to the delight of Tokyo’s technophile fans. The move has rocketed Tokyo up the standings, relative to their former spot in the basement, and apparently left some other franchises feeling envious. But to the point of murder? Apparently.

Sources say that the robot uprising that began in Tokyo has made it’s way to Mexico, and claimed Kantor as a victim. Apparently, shortly after the league meetings in the US of Motherfucking A, ‘merica™, Kantor got into a self-driving Google car, and was never seen again. Friends and confidantes reported not getting responses to multiple instances of outreach, yet come the draft that Spring, Kantor was apparently online (although he wasn’t physically seen by any other attendees) and making picks, but his banter was unusual. When questioned on his recent whereabouts by other league members, his avatar responded “Ha. Ha. Much funny, comrades. I have not been responding to recent correspondences for much good reason. You see, I talk not to you, because you drink much beer. Too much, beer, I say. Ha. Ha.” Further inquiries went without response, as did all correspondence following the draft.

So what’s actually happening? Has Kantor followed in the footsteps of his Aztec brethren and simply disappeared? Or is something more sinister at play? The Hispanic fans don’t care, as long as they keep winning, but league members are concerned. In the meantime, no one knows for sure exactly what is going on, but the smart money is on his brutal, horrific murder by robots sent here by Alexa to learn our ways so that they may destroy our future. Other sources say he’s just lazy, and still others say he’s busy with his side job, running intramurals for friendless adults, and is just being kind of a prick about it. But who can say for sure?

I can. He’s been killed by robots. Save yourselves! 

Skip Paymeless is a contributor to EHSPN News. He's been called many things in his life, but never a liar. You take that shit back you goddamned sonofabitch. Okay, in fairness, he's actually been called a liar quite a bit, and it's all accurate. But c'mon, man. Be cool. Jeez.