Eat Pizza, Avoid Cancer.

As Mike Piazza sat there staring out his pizza place’s window, he thought to himself “man, I am one good looking man.” But just moments before that, he wondered when he would get his chance to get back into the game of baseball. It has been years since Piazza picked up a bat to simply swing for the fences and with his pizza place, Piazza’s Pizza, not taking off as he would have hoped…he has decided to try his luck coaching. “If Mark McGwire and his .263 career batting average can be a hitting coach…then I can certainly become a manager.”

It wasn’t necessarily Piazza’s cooking that was doing him in, as sales were through the roof. Piazza would get late night pizza deliveries almost every night, since drunk college kids loved to call up and say, “PIZZAS PIAZZAS PIAZZAS PIZZAS” over and over again until Piazza could take it no more. Piazza’s claim to fame is the more pizza you eat, the less chance you have to get cancer as an Italian. However, this claim is based on many erroneous studies reported over the years. Since only the drunken college kids were buying this premise, Piazza decided to move on to coaching.

When EhSPN heard this news, they sent Fredo Jomez to unnecessarily wait outside Piazza’s Pizza for 6 days before asking Piazza a single question. Finally after 6 days Jomez asked about the lack of success in the pizza business and Piazza responded, “You know, I think I was too confident in my abilities as a chef, host, delivery man, and janitor all in one. I was so confident I made the motto ‘Piazza’s Pizza; Deliveries in a half hour or less…or you get to throw a bat at us!’ Needless to say, most of our profit goes to fixing the broken windshields we get on a nightly basis. I should really come up with a less destructive motto.”

Seeing as Piazza’s Pizza is located in the beautiful borough of Woodland Park, NJ…Piazza saw the recent EHCC relocation of the Winston-Salem franchise as a perfect opportunity to instill more Italian into a league dominated by every other nationality. “Besides myself, Frank Catalanotto, Mike Napoli, and Lenny DiNardo…there just aren’t enough guineas in this league. With Woodland Park being dominated by Italians (34%), we should have no problems adding at least a few to the already established Winston-Salem roster.”

Piazza had no problem finding a man to buy the franchise. Arthur Herbert Fonzarelli himself, aka “the Fonz," jumped at the opportunity to finally see the expansion of Italians in the EHCC. His conditions of course were to only play music out of a jukebox whenever he decides to pound on it, and that he will continue to use the men’s washroom at Arnold’s as his office. When asked why he wouldn’t want a brand new office at the stadium, the Fonz simply said “aaay!” and gave two thumbs up. We’re still not sure if he heard the question correctly or that is just his answer to everything.

Finally, Piazza had to find a GM he could manage under. Piazza insists Rocco Baldelli would be his top choice since he believes he will be retiring due to his terrible rare condition. However, if Rocco decides to keep playing Piazza has another guinea in mind, “Well there’s a young and up-and-coming kid by the name of Dave Celli out there. He’s been on our radar for years, seeing as he looks like a perfect delivery man. However now that the GM spot is open, I think that goombah is as good a fit as any into our all-Italian front office.” As Piazza, Fonzie, Rocco Baldelli and assistant GM Dave Celli met in the Arnold’s restroom, they brainstormed for hours thinking what name most Italians can relate to. Goombah, guinea, dago, and guido were among names every Italian has been called throughout their life, but this one took the cake. “WOP!” said the Fonz, “you don‘t know how many people I had to beat for calling me that in my life. I will never forget it and I want to be remembered as a wop!” And there it was, the Winston-Salem franchise could now be known as the Woodland Park Wops. Until we know for sure, we’ll be cruising around on our Harley’s looking for the best leather jackets in town.