Eat Pizza, Avoid Cancer.

As Mike Piazza sat there staring out his pizza place’s window, he thought to himself “man, I am one good looking man.” But just moments before that, he wondered when he would get his chance to get back into the game of baseball. It has been years since Piazza picked up a bat to simply swing for the fences and with his pizza place, Piazza’s Pizza, not taking off as he would have hoped…he has decided to try his luck coaching. “If Mark McGwire and his .263 career batting average can be a hitting coach…then I can certainly become a manager.”

It wasn’t necessarily Piazza’s cooking that was doing him in, as sales were through the roof. Piazza would get late night pizza deliveries almost every night, since drunk college kids loved to call up and say, “PIZZAS PIAZZAS PIAZZAS PIZZAS” over and over again until Piazza could take it no more. Piazza’s claim to fame is the more pizza you eat, the less chance you have to get cancer as an Italian. However, this claim is based on many erroneous studies reported over the years. Since only the drunken college kids were buying this premise, Piazza decided to move on to coaching.

When EhSPN heard this news, they sent Fredo Jomez to unnecessarily wait outside Piazza’s Pizza for 6 days before asking Piazza a single question. Finally after 6 days Jomez asked about the lack of success in the pizza business and Piazza responded, “You know, I think I was too confident in my abilities as a chef, host, delivery man, and janitor all in one. I was so confident I made the motto ‘Piazza’s Pizza; Deliveries in a half hour or less…or you get to throw a bat at us!’ Needless to say, most of our profit goes to fixing the broken windshields we get on a nightly basis. I should really come up with a less destructive motto.”

Seeing as Piazza’s Pizza is located in the beautiful borough of Woodland Park, NJ…Piazza saw the recent EHCC relocation of the Winston-Salem franchise as a perfect opportunity to instill more Italian into a league dominated by every other nationality. “Besides myself, Frank Catalanotto, Mike Napoli, and Lenny DiNardo…there just aren’t enough guineas in this league. With Woodland Park being dominated by Italians (34%), we should have no problems adding at least a few to the already established Winston-Salem roster.”

Piazza had no problem finding a man to buy the franchise. Arthur Herbert Fonzarelli himself, aka “the Fonz," jumped at the opportunity to finally see the expansion of Italians in the EHCC. His conditions of course were to only play music out of a jukebox whenever he decides to pound on it, and that he will continue to use the men’s washroom at Arnold’s as his office. When asked why he wouldn’t want a brand new office at the stadium, the Fonz simply said “aaay!” and gave two thumbs up. We’re still not sure if he heard the question correctly or that is just his answer to everything.

Finally, Piazza had to find a GM he could manage under. Piazza insists Rocco Baldelli would be his top choice since he believes he will be retiring due to his terrible rare condition. However, if Rocco decides to keep playing Piazza has another guinea in mind, “Well there’s a young and up-and-coming kid by the name of Dave Celli out there. He’s been on our radar for years, seeing as he looks like a perfect delivery man. However now that the GM spot is open, I think that goombah is as good a fit as any into our all-Italian front office.” As Piazza, Fonzie, Rocco Baldelli and assistant GM Dave Celli met in the Arnold’s restroom, they brainstormed for hours thinking what name most Italians can relate to. Goombah, guinea, dago, and guido were among names every Italian has been called throughout their life, but this one took the cake. “WOP!” said the Fonz, “you don‘t know how many people I had to beat for calling me that in my life. I will never forget it and I want to be remembered as a wop!” And there it was, the Winston-Salem franchise could now be known as the Woodland Park Wops. Until we know for sure, we’ll be cruising around on our Harley’s looking for the best leather jackets in town.

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Am I really this drunk? I feel like I've been asked to write a piece just like this before. I feel like it was a year ago that Dublin was making a bid for its third sports team. While the initial response was very negative about the addition of a baseball team, the city eventually opened its heart to the idea, only to have it ripped out by the folks in Southern Carolina.

Last year, Dublin sports mogul Brad Bodell spent most of his time trying to sell the idea of baseball in Dublin and change the perception of a sport that was widely considered to be played by sissies. The initial reluctance might have been what caused Dublin to lose its bid, despite a late rally by the city getting behind the proposed team. This year, with the city already behind him, Mr Bodell has been able to work on more pressing needs, like finding a stadium, GM and a coach.

Since he already owns the Dublin Bar Brawlers, the struggling, but very young and promising basketball team, and heads the school board of DUBA, home of the Oktoberfests, Mr Bodell has vowed to build a brand new complex to house all three teams if he wins the bid for a baseball team. Sponsors were lining up in hopes to add their name to the new complex, which is expected to become the most cutting edge complex in the world. While the initial leaders where the expected Guinness, Jameson, and Bushmills brands, a dark horse, the Scottish beer company Harviestoun, won the rights. The name they are proposing is Ola Dubh, after their beer which is aged in whiskey casks and a favorite of the locals. While the initial frame work for the stadium is done, they aren't proceeding before they know if baseball is coming.

As for a GM, Mr Bodell wanted someone with Irish ties, but also an understanding of American culture, where a majority of the other teams play. The decision was made rather quickly, bringing in Spicy McHaggis to lead the team. He was made famous by the band he was part of, the Drop Kick Murphy's, who had a very popular song called “The Spicy McHaggis Jig.” Mr Bodell was able to pry him away from the band to chase his lifelong dream of running a sports team. When asked why he was chosen, especially with no experience, he responded “Have you ever lived in Boston? You automatically know more than every professional sports person just by drinking the water.”

As for the coach, again the decision was made to go with someone with no baseball experience, but plenty of sports experience, and a fiery disposition. The man tabbed to lead the proposed team is none other than the famous John McEnroe. This reporter, smart enough to know not to approach him and question his pedigree for the job, sent an intern. As I watched him propose the question, out of know where Jonny Mac whips out a tennis racket and beats the poor intern down with it. At least we know players wont be getting out of line.

As for a team name? Well Mr Bodell seems set on it, but judging by his response, its not set in stone. “As of now, the teams name will be the Dublin Four Leaf Clovers, however I completely reserve the right to irrationally change the name to anything at anytime.”

Well there you have it, a second chance at a baseball team. This report hopes this works out, because these kind of articles take up too much of my drinking time.

-Jameson McStout
-The Chaser

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