EHSPN: What's in the Water in Vegas?

Las Vegas...casinos, wedding chapels, gambling, boxing, drinking, hookers...and a graveyard for once great players. What is going on in Vegas that is making players like David Wright play like David Wrong?


By Canadian von America
EhSPN

On another sunny afternoon in Las Vegas, Doggs third baseman David Wright was taking batting practice against the lovable team monkey, Ed. As the monkey threw meatball after meatball over the plate, Wright continually swung and missed, shaking his head after each whiff.

"I don't know...Ed's a pretty good pitcher," Wright said when asked to explain his batting practice woes. "I mean, you've seen him in that movie...Ed can play ball." Wright may be right about that, as Ed was the top rated monkey prospect for the Rockets (no affiliation the EHCC Rockets of Rakeville). In the minors, though, Ed played third base, and while he's been signed by the Doggs just to throw batting practice and eat left over bananas and Reese's Pieces in the clubhouse, rumors have been swirling that he's actually just biding his time until he can displace the slumping Wright.

"There's uh...no, um...truth to that, uh, particular rumor. No comment, I mean," said a bumbling GM Howe Dogg when asked about the rumor. Dogg was clearly caught off guard, and this can only help fuel the rumors that have been flying through every 2 bit casino in Vegas.

More important though, may be why this rumor has gotten started. Like other Dogg prospects before him, David Wright has fallen into a spiral of suckitude not seen in Vegas since Mark Prior. Since August of last season, Wright has hit a grand total of 4 homeruns, including exactly ZERO in 2007. He's hitting only .244 on the year with only 6 RBIs, and the fans of Vegas are in a panic.

Oddly enough, new acquisition Alfonso Soriano has also played like crap since joining the Doggs traveling sideshow. Soriano has also hit 0 homeruns and made David Wright look like an RBI machine, hitting exactly 1 RBI all season.

Also in a downward spiral since he arrived in Vegas a little over a year ago? Deposed Dogg closer Brad Lidge. The man brought in to replace him, Jason Frasor, has already blown a save chance in one of his first 3 outings, and is sporting an unimprssive 4.09 ERA. Of course, a 4.09 ERA looks positively dazzling when compared to fellow closer Mariano Rivera's 10.57 mark. Adding insult to injury, Vegas speedster Ichiro Suzuki has stolen only one base since joining the team in the offseason.

All the sucking has Las Vegas sitting uncomfortably in 7th place, and left fans in an unfamiliar position. "I just don't know," said season ticket holder Cat Mandu. "I really thought we'd be 10 games up in first place right now. Management seemed to do everything they could to build a winner, but guys seem to be sucking for no reason. I can't figure it out."

One fan has an idea what's causing the problems in Vegas. "Oliver Perez." Doggs long-distance fan Ootan McEhton from Montreal, Quebec provides further analysis. "It's definitely Perez, eh? He was here, eh? And he was really great, eh? Then he was traded to Quebec City, and we all know they're cursed, eh? So what think, is he went up there and then, when he was traded back, aboot this time last year, he brought some of the Piglet curse with him, eh? It took a little while for it to spread, but it's happening now. You're finding oot all aboot what people here in Montreal have known for some time, eh? It's the Piglet curse. Tough break for Vegas."

When asked if the curse is why he roots for Vegas instead of his hometown Piglets, McEhton replied, "Nah, that's noot it at ooll. Soory to say, but I just like a front-runner. I was all set to switch back to rooting for the Piglets after their off-season, eh, but they suck even worse than Vegas this year. Guess they're just showing that they can outcurse even their own curse, eh?"

If McEhton's theory holds true, the Doggs and their fans could be in for a long, long season. But maybe, just maybe, Ed the monkey can bring a little bit of that Ed magic to the Doggs--and cure David Wright of what ails him. But Mark Prior's fucked no matter what.

Canadian von America is a staff writer for Reuters. It was hard for him to write this article, partly because he doesn't speak English, but mostly because he thinks David Wright is so dreamy.