Sacre Bleu!
by Jacques LeCroix, Montreal Sports and Ice Fishing Illustrated
Xavier Brown sat behind a large, wooden desk, stroking a bushy beard and tapping the bottom of a pack of American Spirits absent-mindedly. I hadn’t met with the Piglets mercurial owner since they finally won the championship in 2011, and I was told that his demeanor had changed drastically since those halcyon days. I’d heard the rumors—that winning had changed Brown, that he was no longer a ruthless shark in the boardroom, preferring to instead spend his days dreamily ingesting illicit substances and listening to hazy indie rock—but nothing could prepare me for the truth. Once a respectable business man who was never seen in public without his trademark royal blue shirt and pink tie, the Xavier Brown I met with that day was wearing a green plaid lumberjack shirt and skinny jeans.
When I asked about this stark change, Brown shrugged and said, “It’s like Bon Iver says, man. I’m not magnificent.” Brown then pulled out an acoustic guitar from behind his desk. “You like The Decemberists, man? Check this out, I’ve been working on this one.” Brown then proceeded to butcher a song by the folk-rock group. Seriously, it sounded like he was murdering a cat, but he assured me it was a song called ‘Sons and Daughters’ that was about building houses and eating cinnamon or some shit. It got weird quick.
We spent a few hours discussing everything from the folk music scene in Canada to lack of great independent coffeehouses on St. Catherine Street, with nary a nod to the sport or franchise that has brought Brown his greatest fame in Canada. Finally, when I steered the direction towards baseball, and the joy the Piglets have brought the nation, especially since the demise of the Expos in 2004, Brown visibly cringed. And that’s when he dropped the bombshell.
“I’m moving the team to Portland, Oregon. It’s almost a done deal.” When pressed on the reasons for such a drastic measure, Brown brought up sustainable architecture, opportunities for cross-promotion with great music groups, exposure to new markets and new revenue streams, and, perhaps most importantly, leaving the competitive Western Division, the international arm of the EHCC. “I’ve discussed it with the commissioner at length,” Brown explained. “San Juan is technically an American territory, but the citizens of that island don’t consider themselves American. The Commissioner feels very strongly that there should be a clear dividing line between American teams and International teams, and Puerto Rico is flying its flag in the face of that divide. We’ll swap places with them, and get to beat up on Bridgewater and Rakeville three times a year. It’s win win all the way around. By the way, have you heard this new Mother Falcon song? It’s so transcendent!”
Such a move would drastically shake up the EHCC, to say nothing of the devastated citizens of Canada, having their hometown team ripped from their quaking hands for the second time in a decade. When pressed on the legality of such a move without majority owner opinion, Brown shrugged and strummed his guitar again, before explaining, “The commish can do whatever he wants. And he’s cool with it. So there you go. Check this one out, I just learned this one.” He then proceeded to play an awful version of ‘King of Carrot Flowers’ by Neutral Milk Hotel. It seriously didn’t sound anything like the original.
I left Brown’s office in a daze, not sure what to make of my interview. Apparently the Portland Piglets will be coming to the EHCC Eastern Division soon—and the powers that be in the EHCC apparently think that has a nice ring to it.
Jacques LeCroix is a staff writer for Montreal Sports and Ice Fishing Illustrated. He has several dead cats in his basement, but insists they all passed away from natural causes.
Read more!
posted by Pawtucket Pat at 12:21 PM
1 comments
